Forty-six: Spend a whole day eating junk food without feeling guilty.

junk food
junk food
give me junk food

slippery

sloshy

dripping

bloating

gorging

stuffing

and fuck the bloody scales.

just once!

IF: Scales

Twenty-nine: Write more poetry

Rummaging through the boxes in our third bedroom (junk room), I found my fridge words that Steve had bought for me in Cape Town about 9 years ago. I sorted them all out and found a way to place them on the back of a tray to hold them in one place as they are small and very fiddly.

Made this poem and stuck it on my fridge door, and reflected on the other poetry I had written years and years ago.

After 20 years of struggling with Anorexia and Bulimia, I decided I needed help.It is a decision, much like Alocoholics Anonymous....'hello, my name is .....and I am anorexic and bulimic'.Only at this stage can any sort of healing begin from within and without. During the period that followed, months and years, I started writing poetry about my problem, which I found extremely cathartic. But, for some reason I cannot find any of my files. I obviously packed them away so well they have disappeared, or disintegrated. Who knows ?Maybe they will appear some day. Until then, I'll start writing about 'things'. And I'll use my fridge words to get me going. Thanks again Steve.

Tangent: Feeling 'high'

No, not from drugs, or alcohol, music or sex. I feel 'high' from fasting. Am on my fourth day, and have been through the 'mill', with headaches, nausea, dizziness, stomach aches, sleeplessness, anziety and forgetfulness. I have had nightmares, worse than ever before, and woken up sweating, yet shivering at the same time.

BUT: 1.) My itchy arms, legs and neck are less itchy today.
2.) I am not burping today.
3.) I don't have heartburn today.
4.) My stomach feels lighter.
5.) I've lost 3 pounds (weight, not money).
6.) I am feeling more optimistic than I've felt for a while.

This is a long road, and I will be on it for a good while yet, but there is a faint glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel.

I try to be a 'health foodnik' when I can. This is after years of being an anorexic, bulimic, overeater etc etc. I call myself a 'recovering' bulimic, and try to 'eat to live, not live to eat'.
With recurring liver problems, high cholesterol, lousy family genes resulting in deaths from heart attcks and cancer, I can't afford to ignore the fact that 'you are what you eat'.

BUT: it takes discipline and fortitude and a very strong mental attitude.

I have fasted before, and often do just a fruit day, ending with a simple meal. But it's many years since I did this seriously and so determinedly.



This is a painting I did of Mark a few years ago, which I was going to call 'The morning after the night before', but decided on 'Love your liver'.



I am trying to 'love my liver' this week.

Ten: Fight the bulge

You just knew I had to get round to this one eventually. Please note it wasn't number one.

Confession time. I do have an obsession with all things to do with weight and food.

More confession time. I am a recovering bulimic and anorexic. There, I've actually written it down for all to see. How brave is that?

I call myself 'recovering' as I still sometimes regress to my ED (for the uninitiated that simply stands for Eating Disorder). When I say regress, I don't mean full on anorexia or bulimia, but sometimes too close for comfort.

I have an 'all or nothing' personality and am a control freak, both of which are very often seen in ED sufferers.

It has always been a feeling of 'fullness' which led me to want to get rid of the food. However, when I started on the long road to recovery years ago, I was told that the 'fullness' is more like overwhelming feelings rather than gluttony. And what I had to learn to do was deal with those emotions and not confuse them with nutritional intake. Easier said than done!

Then suddenly I woke up one day and found I had someone else's body. This middle aged dumpy person - where had she come from? How did she get here so fast? Why is she still there every morning when I look in the mirror?

It's at times like these that I miss the old ED and wish it were still around to comfort me, but mostly to keep me thin and lean, even a bit haggard, rather than this plump comfortable body I am now stuck with.

As they so rightly say, we are never satisfied.